Wow. And sorry.

Hey! It's been a while.

My last shift at the diner was the day before Thanksgiving. I think giving two weeks' notice confused the managers, since most people quit during a spur of the moment temper tantrum or get fired for doing something really dumb. 

On the day before my big finale, I got into an explosive argument with the only waiter on staff because he accused me of knowingly stealing his silverware. I rarely get angry and I seldom raise my voice, but when I felt that this waiter blatantly belittled my moral integrity in the manner of a 14-year-old girl, my mind went foggy and I unleashed a verbal fury upon him while menacingly waving a barbed bread knife in his face. He looked scared. It was thrilling.

During my last diner shift I was overwhelmed with tables, which was really annoying. At the very end of the night, when I still had three very demanding tables going at once, I slipped on a wet patch of cole slaw (and you know how I feel about that stuff), did a split (that I wasn't aware I was capable of), smashed my shin into a booth (ruining my stockings forever), and yelled "Jesus Christ!" in front of all my customers (thus dashing my prospects of receiving decent tips). I thought of really sticking it to the man by shirking my silverware wrapping that night, but I'm too much of a goody-goody conformist. I didn't care about how much money I made that night, I just wanted to celebrate the time-honored tradition of Thanksgiving Eve. 

I'm still taking pet portraits for the Picture People at Petco. (Say that ten times fast!) It's still a ridiculous job. I don't know if I believe the economy is in shambles if people are more interested than ever in spending money on "professional" photographs of their animals. 

The Petco contract is actually expanding and not enough people have been hired to cover the new territory yet, so the big bosses have been sending us peons to faraway, exotic store locations such as Long Island. Because of this expansion, I haven't been working with PPL nearly as much--usually we are on our own somewhere. At first I was terrified of being alone on this job, but after being by myself three times so far, I have come to realize that it's so much less stressful without my partner. The positives of her absence simply outweigh the negatives.

Pros: 

• Her shameless and lyrically incorrect renditions of Petco radio's songs is entertaining, to say the least. 
• She has become one of the most interesting people in my life at present. Every day I learn about something new--for instance, the pot leaf tattoo she has been getting surgically removed from the middle of her chest. 
• We have a good system worked out where I take the pictures and edit them, and then she does the sale. I'd prefer to never conduct a sale; I hate seeing the look on the customer's face when they realize the needlessness of what they are purchasing. 

Cons:

• She thinks everyone walking into Petco is a secret shopper sent to catch us doing something wrong.  
• She sits the whole time balancing her checkbook and typing up elaborate, useless logs for our bosses about the weekend.
• If our supervisor calls me instead of her, PPL gets paranoid that it's because she did something wrong.  
• She leaves her open drinks next to valuable electronics on our wobbly sales desk.  
• She can only focus on one thing at a time, so if she's trying desperately to establish a nearby wireless connection when a customer comes in, logically, attaining an internet connection takes priority. 
• She's never there at the right time. Usually PPL is late, but sometimes she makes up a completely different, nonexistent start-time and wonders why I'm not there.

I realized that I've never provided an actual visual for what it is that I do. So now as I conclude this entry without further delay, I present you with two prime examples of my work (keep in mind these are phone pictures taken of a computer screen).

This one I call "Adorable,"

...and this one I call "Rats!"

"Chin down, tilt your head, shoulders back, hands together, feet back...smile!"

I'm embarking on a new and exciting chapter of my life, while still pathetically clinging to the old and boring parts. Weeks ago, the gods smiled upon me in the form of a Craigslist job advertisement for a "mobile photographer;" I applied, I interviewed, I conquered. As it turned out, the job was for a fledgling unit of the photography company, the Picture People, whose sole purpose was taking animal portraits at Petcos all over the country. The company placed me (along with several new-hires from the northeast) in a nice hotel in Glen Burnie, Maryland--a suburb of Baltimore, full of bowling alleys and liquor stores with entertaining names like "Liquor Fair." For three days, a very learned and likable trainer, TJ, threw out oodles of details, procedures, and simulations. This mobile photography unit is a new venture for the Picture People so it's still rather unorganized and chaotic. The constant flow of new information made me feel lightheaded and tired, and, to top it all off, I had to spend over eight hours a day--usually cooped up in a hotel conference room--with twenty other trainees who were all chain smokers. Don't let my complaining fool you though, I had a great time. I had a king-size bed, a plasma tv, and premium movie channels all to myself (yes, my hotel room was ballin'!), there was a Qdoba just down the street, I got full pay for all these hours of torturous education, and I got along super swimmingly with TJ, my supervisor, and my teammate (though eight hours a day with these cigarette addicts was more than enough). Out of everyone I know, I never ever imagined that I would be the one to go on a full-fledged business trip.

Upon returning home I was greeted with the first Facebook friend request I've had in, what seems like, ages (I actually never saw said friend request, as my BFF/personal assistant logged on my account and accepted it while I was at a bar living up my diner-free Saturday night by playing the role of designated driver). This new Facebook friend was someone I had never heard of, but he included a little greeting stating that he knew TJ, TJ said I was cool, and TJ said we should talk. After his request was accepted, he wrote the same thing on my wall for all the Facebook world to see (gasp!). I have a few questions about this: 

• WAS THIS AN ATTEMPT AT A SET-UP?!
• Is it just me, or was this completely unprofessional on TJ's part?
• Did I seem desperately single while training in Maryland?
• Have I reached that accepted age where I'm supposed to always be paired with someone?
  
• Was my comment about being "doomed to end up a crazy cat lady" mistaken as a cry for help?

My teammate, PPL, is young, nice, and fun with a definite wild side, and on the job we balance each other well. That being said, I think she's a recovering drug addict. I'll tell you why:

• she went to art school,
• she graduated from college, yet takes classes of some sort on certain mornings,
• she attends meetings certain evenings,
• from what she's told me, these meetings appear to have attendants with questionable moral fiber,
• she has to take drug tests occasionally,
• and, last but not least, she asked me how much money I would require for my urine.

This past weekend was the first Petco gig of the quarter (like my business vocabulary?!), and it was quite an experience. The days were long and mostly boring: I stand by the door, tell people we're there taking pet portraits, people either get excited or weirded out, and we go from there. I don't have much conclusive evidence yet, but I'm fairly certain PPL scares away a majority of our customers with her strange, robotic, fragmented sales approach: "Wanna bring your pet back? For a portrait? We're here til 6?". Our set was situated right next to the cat adoption display, so basically everyone that approached it was guaranteed to be a weirder cat person than the last. With a serious, almost tearful look, a woman referred to one cat as "magical." A couple who I sold a bunch of photographs to was written up for beating their dog in the parking lot. Many people walked into the store thinking they had walked into a different store--one such man asked me for glue. I saw a mom strolling leisurely outside the store with her son who was dress head to toe as the Grim Reaper. My territory manager wanted us to get thirty photo sessions Friday through Sunday; we had a total of seven. Ah, the world of retail with it's excessively lofty goals.